I’m literally about to give up on John. The one person who means the most to me. & once I give up on John my life is going to have no meaning. I don’t think that he cares about me at all anymore. He doesn’t care what I decide to do with my life. He doesn’t care about our relationship. Everything we’ve been through & everything he knows. He just doesn’t care anymore. How do you just stop caring about someone who meant so much to you? I don’t understand. I guess he never cared & he never will. I think I’ll be fine without him, but he’s the one who has kept me holding on for so long. But I never should have expected him to stay. He means so much to me. Everything he’s ever said or done or just the way he looks at me keeps me holding on. But someone who means this much to me could never stay because that’s too easy. I’ll never find anyone like him to replace our relationship. I’ll always miss him. I always will till the day I die. I just feel like I never really mattered to him
When I feel your hands around my waist & I can hear the sound of your heart beating I never want to let go. Because for one minute I feel safe in your arms, no matter where we are, or if we’re alone or not. I feel like nothing can touch me & pull my down. When we pull away, I slowly feel the coldness creep back into my skin. I feel pain again & realize how much I need you to not let go. I think you can see the weakness & fear in my eyes when you start to let go, that’s why you hold onto me while we mutter out short words. I need you to not let go of me. Because as soon as you release me the urges come back & so does the terrible aching I feel in my chest. You will never understand. But something about your warmth & touch makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong. It’s not just that I want you to not let go of me because of the consequences I will face, but because I need you to not let go of me. Hold onto me as tight as you can & as long as possible. Because sooner or later I will push you away trying to not hurt you like I do myself & I will slip through your fingers, like I do everyone else..