Valentines day is about love, Christmas is about giving, Arbor Day is about trees I guess. I get celebrating all those things, but Halloween? Halloween is a holiday where we put on costumes and try on different versions of ourselves. The princess, the demon, the bird flying free. It’s fun not being us and having to face the reality of who we really are and the things that scare us, like our vulnerabilities, or what we really want for ourselves. Or our fear of change and what it will inevitably bring. Being someone else for a night can be fun or even scary, either way it’s only one night and when the masks are off we’re back to being ourselves again. We have nothing to hide behind and maybe that’s okay.
I really needed last night. When we were walking to Elizabeth’s car to get her blanket I couldn’t help but hold onto you the whole way there. I was freezing all night, but whenever I touched you I became overwhelmed & my heart racing made me forget about it. Once we made it to the car, with Elizabeth & PJ, once we all got in the car I knew that it would be a good night. After the whole night of cuddling in the back of her car with the heat on full blast, tricking dyson, & basically playing are you nervous the whole night, I realized that I do still like you. I try to deny it to everyone, but I can’t do it anymore. I know that deep down I always will. I don’t know if you want to be friends with benefits, just friends, or date but I wish I did know. Anyways, last night after the game I had a dream. A dream that you came over to my house & we slept together & had the most wonderful nights of our lives. But it was only just a dream. But you know what they say about dreams…a dream is a wish your heart makes while your fast asleep & also that if you dream about someone they went to sleep thinking about you. Both of those things just kind of comforted me because I know deep down that I want to do more with you & be more but I won’t admit it to myself & knowing that maybe you thought about me before you fell asleep just reassured me that maybe just maybe you do care about me the same way I care about you. & know that I’ll always be here with open arms waiting for you to come running to me. I’m waiting for the day you realize you love me the same way & as much as I love you.
Nothing was more important than our friendship, but it’s over now. You fucked it up. And you are not even trying make things better with us. And I am done trying now. I really don’t care anymore, when I see photos or watch videos of us I want to go back to that time, but also it seems like this whole thing was nothing but an illusion. Fuck you for not being there for me when my depression got worse, fuck you for leaving, fuck you for pretending to come back. Just really fucking fuck you. Go to hell.
Dearest Colton Longwood,
Although we are thousands of miles apart & never met, I still love you. I trust you more than I do anyone else. I look up to as a role model. Yes, we all make mistakes, but you know how to fix them & learn from them. You are one of the most forgiving & sweetest people I know. Lately, I don’t know what has been going on in your life. You’ve tried to tell me, but I don’t fully understand. I’m scared for you & what you’re capable of doing. & with you not replying & keeping in contact with me through it all, the only thing I can find comfort in now is the night. At night, the moon & stars come out. They give me hope for a better day tomorrow, but more importantly, I know that you’re standing under the same stars & moon I am, which makes me feel a whole lot closer to you. I’ve made a lot of promises to multiple people, but the one I’m about to make is different & I will not break it. I promise with my whole heart that before I die, we will meet in person. It may be in 20 years or in a few months. I don’t know what God has in store. But I promise we will meet. I promise.
Much love, Cameron Deaton ❤
I’m going absolutely insane and no one has noticed
Even though you know I’m suicidal & hurt myself you still act like you do. I’ve told you over & over again. You care for about a day, then go back to your old ways. I don’t get it. If you don’t want to be in my life or have a friendship with me. Just fucking say so. Jesus. You make me so pissed everyday. I try to be nice to you even though you’re always so hateful & acting like a little bitch. Obviously everything we’ve been through meant nothin to you. So please quit talking to me & acting like you like me at all cause we all know you don’t. So shuttttt the fuck up cause no one gives a damn about what you have to say. You’re just as lonely & worthless as me but you won’t admit it. Have fun in hell suckers. Raddd.
Finally when I’m least expecting it, I get a message that makes my day. It made me so happy for the first time in forever. I didn’t realize I needed it in the moment, but once I heard these simple words my thoughts all suddenly changed & I became truly happy since this whole depression thing began.
The words were as simple as this..
“Cameron, it’s just me and you hanging out. I’m there to be with you. I don’t care what you look like or are wearing. I think you are beautiful either way. You shouldn’t care what you look like either because it’s just me, you don’t have to worry about anything.”
I know they aren’t that adorable or poetic but it’s something that made me actually happy & my best friend told me to put it on here so I could remember the time I was actually happy in the purest sense of the word.
We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain. & you were supposed to be different.. But I know I’ll never be good enough, so I don’t know why I keep coming back to you after you’ve hurt me over & over again. I know you’ve replaced me, but I’m addicted to you & I don’t know how to stop.
Then suddenly I was afraid and I don’t know what of. I bet you wish you’d never met me.. I just miss you so much. God. I’m obsessing over you & you wouldn’t care if you never saw me again. I’m over it now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about killing myself today. I’m so sick of waking up every single god damn morning. Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me. No one understands how hard it is for me to not hurt myself. I try to make light of it & joke around but deep down inside I hurt so bad thinking about it but it releases anger & makes me feel a different pain & makes me feel better. The scars remind me of how I have to work twice as hard as everyone else. They sort of help me get along because without then I wouldn’t be able to see how long I’ve come since it started & how I haven’t killed myself yet. I’m sick of pretending to be happy. I’m battling myself & I’m losing. I’m too young to be this sad. There’s no one by my side anymore. But I’m used to it..
I’m literally about to give up on John. The one person who means the most to me. & once I give up on John my life is going to have no meaning. I don’t think that he cares about me at all anymore. He doesn’t care what I decide to do with my life. He doesn’t care about our relationship. Everything we’ve been through & everything he knows. He just doesn’t care anymore. How do you just stop caring about someone who meant so much to you? I don’t understand. I guess he never cared & he never will. I think I’ll be fine without him, but he’s the one who has kept me holding on for so long. But I never should have expected him to stay. He means so much to me. Everything he’s ever said or done or just the way he looks at me keeps me holding on. But someone who means this much to me could never stay because that’s too easy. I’ll never find anyone like him to replace our relationship. I’ll always miss him. I always will till the day I die. I just feel like I never really mattered to him