Telling you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do

Alright well. I don’t want you to freak out on me which I know you won’t because you’re not really like that haha but I don’t want you to be all paranoid & worried about me. & I don’t want you to look at me differently or change how you treat me or whatever haha. Just know that I’m fineee. Alrighty so. & just please don’t repeat any of this cause not many people know & it’s personal hahah otayyy. I’m literally shaking right now typing this. Ugh okay. It all kinda started around spring break last year.. I didn’t really know what road I was going down until it was too late. But I got super depressed like to the point where I wouldn’t talk to anyone or get up. It was really bad. I self harmed & ..I’ve tried to kill myself 2 different times. The only reason i didn’t was bc the first time i was sitting in my car with the garage door shut & i was on tumblr & saw a thing that was like if you’re looking for a reason to not kill yourself tonight this is it & i was like okay fine haha. The second time I was sitting in my car again waiting & one of my friends called me & stopped me. Hahaha yeah. Okay I know I shouldn’t be laughing cause it’s serious but it’s the only way to not think about it & to numb all the pain. But anyways we were really close & I told you pretty much everything. I don’t know why..we’ve only met in person like 4 times but I just feel close to you & that I can trust you with all my sheeeet. Sooo you were like my best guy friend & this kid named John who I’ve known forever. Hahaha okay so. I started getting happy again towards the end of the summer but it wasn’t because of me doing things that make me happy it was people that made my happy. Like talking to you made me happy. So I thought I want to be happy on my own & if I’m happy because of something besides myself, like a person, it can be taken away from me & I’ll be screwed. Sooo I quit talking to you for awhile even though you probably didn’t notice haha. Then I got into drugs & a ton of other shit & it was bad. But once I started getting happy I guess again I started talking to you & John & everyone again. But this past month was hell. & I just remember texting you & you wouldn’t reply or I don’t really remember & id be like sad or something it’s stupid I know but yeahh. Sooo I was pissed at you cause for like a day I blamed it on you bc you didn’t reply to me or something & then I realized I was being stupid & it was my fault like it always has been & I was trying to find something to make me feel better. & yeah. Sooooo. That’s probably the only thing I’ve never told you & have debated on telling you countless times but could never bring myself to do it bc only 4 other people know & they are always checking on me & I feel terrible that I put them in that position so I didn’t want to do the same thing to you.. Like the second time I tried to kill myself I had several letters written & ishh. One of them was to youuu.. Haha yeah. Right now I’m good, but who the hell knows what could happen. & I’m not trying to be dramatic & like over exaggerate anything. I really did all of that & I’m just embarrassed kinda I don’t know really. It’s really hard to explain. I never told you I guess bc I didn’t know how you’d react or I didn’t want you to feel bad for me or I just felt ashamed of it all. It’s just so hard to keep pretending like everything is okay when it’s really not & not be able to say anything about it to you when I used to tell you everything, even if you didn’t realize I did bc I needed someone to vent & you’re just easy to talk to & you listen so well. We never ever have to talk about this again if you don’t want to, it’s just I felt that I’d regret not telling you later on & if something ever did happen I wouldn’t want you to be mad at me for not telling you. Yeah. So I’m sorry that it took me this long. But thanks for always being there for me & making me happy even though you probably never knew you were. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, even though we aren’t that close anymore. But you really are even though I know I’m not to you haha you are to me. You’re just I don’t know. I wish I could have told you all of this in person.. I’m sorry. Yeahh that’s it. I love you.