Oh.

It’s one of those nights again. I know we had a really long talk about how you wanted me to call you the next time I was in this place but I can’t bring myself to it. We talked about it on Friday & now it’s Tuesday. I can’t even go a week without wanting to kill myself. You told me all of the sweetest things that made me feel so much better & happier. But tonight none of those things are helping. I’m worthless & a screw up. I don’t even deserve to live & no body will ever love me. So then why should I stay alive & not go sit in my car & pass without pain or just go get a gun & shove it in my mouth. I don’t even know what’s stopping me anymore bc it’s not my family or friends bc I’m alone & no one gives a fuck about me. No one cares about me the slightest bit when if all comes down to it. I mean I’ve told you everything. You know more than any of my girl friends. I honestly think that you’re the only reason I’m not killing myself. You’re the only person who encourages me to keep going & fighting & are always there for me no matter what. I know you said to call you next time & of you don’t answer you’re asleep but I can’t. I don’t want you to see me this weak & I don’t want you to have to listen to me sob on the other end of the phone. I don’t want to put you on the spot & make you feel obligated to say or do something. I love you far too much to do that to you. & I know I can trust you & that I can call you but I really can’t do it. What if you don’t answer then you’ll feel like a piece of shit if I do something & you’ll blame yourself. I really don’t want to be here anymore. I want to start over but I can’t. Damn it. All I want right now is to be in arms making me feel like it really is going to be okay. Just know that if I ever decide to really put my thoughts into action, you’ll be the last person I’ll talk to. I love you so much.

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