I’m saying goodbye

The song say something by a great big world is my suicide song. I hadn’t really thought much of the song until I listened to the words closely & it made me think of you. This is literally everything that will be going through my mind the day I decide to kill myself, if I don’t get better. Especially the part that says “& I will swallow my pride, you’re the one that I love & I’m saying goodbye.” That’s all i want you to know. This song is like my song to you? I don’t know. It just makes me think of you & all the shit we’ve both been through. I love you so so much. More than you will ever know or be able to fathom & comprehend. I know that we are in a weird stage of our relationship right now, but just remember that I love you no matter what & always will till the end of time & love ceases. I want the man I marry to be like you & be my best friend & there for me like you. But the song, it’s like I wrote it to you it’s so strange. Anyways, before I die I promise you’ll be the last person I talk to & I will make sure you know it’s not your fault & you did everything you could. But you will hang up knowing how much I’ve loved you all along.

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Free falling

I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed away everyone in my life that tried to help me. Some people let me fall without even giving any effort. Some are fighting as hard as they can. Just please please never let me push you away bc if I do, I won’t have anyone.

Oh.

It’s one of those nights again. I know we had a really long talk about how you wanted me to call you the next time I was in this place but I can’t bring myself to it. We talked about it on Friday & now it’s Tuesday. I can’t even go a week without wanting to kill myself. You told me all of the sweetest things that made me feel so much better & happier. But tonight none of those things are helping. I’m worthless & a screw up. I don’t even deserve to live & no body will ever love me. So then why should I stay alive & not go sit in my car & pass without pain or just go get a gun & shove it in my mouth. I don’t even know what’s stopping me anymore bc it’s not my family or friends bc I’m alone & no one gives a fuck about me. No one cares about me the slightest bit when if all comes down to it. I mean I’ve told you everything. You know more than any of my girl friends. I honestly think that you’re the only reason I’m not killing myself. You’re the only person who encourages me to keep going & fighting & are always there for me no matter what. I know you said to call you next time & of you don’t answer you’re asleep but I can’t. I don’t want you to see me this weak & I don’t want you to have to listen to me sob on the other end of the phone. I don’t want to put you on the spot & make you feel obligated to say or do something. I love you far too much to do that to you. & I know I can trust you & that I can call you but I really can’t do it. What if you don’t answer then you’ll feel like a piece of shit if I do something & you’ll blame yourself. I really don’t want to be here anymore. I want to start over but I can’t. Damn it. All I want right now is to be in arms making me feel like it really is going to be okay. Just know that if I ever decide to really put my thoughts into action, you’ll be the last person I’ll talk to. I love you so much.