Valentines day is about love, Christmas is about giving, Arbor Day is about trees I guess. I get celebrating all those things, but Halloween? Halloween is a holiday where we put on costumes and try on different versions of ourselves. The princess, the demon, the bird flying free. It’s fun not being us and having to face the reality of who we really are and the things that scare us, like our vulnerabilities, or what we really want for ourselves. Or our fear of change and what it will inevitably bring. Being someone else for a night can be fun or even scary, either way it’s only one night and when the masks are off we’re back to being ourselves again. We have nothing to hide behind and maybe that’s okay.
I really needed last night. When we were walking to Elizabeth’s car to get her blanket I couldn’t help but hold onto you the whole way there. I was freezing all night, but whenever I touched you I became overwhelmed & my heart racing made me forget about it. Once we made it to the car, with Elizabeth & PJ, once we all got in the car I knew that it would be a good night. After the whole night of cuddling in the back of her car with the heat on full blast, tricking dyson, & basically playing are you nervous the whole night, I realized that I do still like you. I try to deny it to everyone, but I can’t do it anymore. I know that deep down I always will. I don’t know if you want to be friends with benefits, just friends, or date but I wish I did know. Anyways, last night after the game I had a dream. A dream that you came over to my house & we slept together & had the most wonderful nights of our lives. But it was only just a dream. But you know what they say about dreams…a dream is a wish your heart makes while your fast asleep & also that if you dream about someone they went to sleep thinking about you. Both of those things just kind of comforted me because I know deep down that I want to do more with you & be more but I won’t admit it to myself & knowing that maybe you thought about me before you fell asleep just reassured me that maybe just maybe you do care about me the same way I care about you. & know that I’ll always be here with open arms waiting for you to come running to me. I’m waiting for the day you realize you love me the same way & as much as I love you.
Nothing was more important than our friendship, but it’s over now. You fucked it up. And you are not even trying make things better with us. And I am done trying now. I really don’t care anymore, when I see photos or watch videos of us I want to go back to that time, but also it seems like this whole thing was nothing but an illusion. Fuck you for not being there for me when my depression got worse, fuck you for leaving, fuck you for pretending to come back. Just really fucking fuck you. Go to hell.
Dearest Colton Longwood,
Although we are thousands of miles apart & never met, I still love you. I trust you more than I do anyone else. I look up to as a role model. Yes, we all make mistakes, but you know how to fix them & learn from them. You are one of the most forgiving & sweetest people I know. Lately, I don’t know what has been going on in your life. You’ve tried to tell me, but I don’t fully understand. I’m scared for you & what you’re capable of doing. & with you not replying & keeping in contact with me through it all, the only thing I can find comfort in now is the night. At night, the moon & stars come out. They give me hope for a better day tomorrow, but more importantly, I know that you’re standing under the same stars & moon I am, which makes me feel a whole lot closer to you. I’ve made a lot of promises to multiple people, but the one I’m about to make is different & I will not break it. I promise with my whole heart that before I die, we will meet in person. It may be in 20 years or in a few months. I don’t know what God has in store. But I promise we will meet. I promise.
Much love, Cameron Deaton ❤
I’m going absolutely insane and no one has noticed
Even though you know I’m suicidal & hurt myself you still act like you do. I’ve told you over & over again. You care for about a day, then go back to your old ways. I don’t get it. If you don’t want to be in my life or have a friendship with me. Just fucking say so. Jesus. You make me so pissed everyday. I try to be nice to you even though you’re always so hateful & acting like a little bitch. Obviously everything we’ve been through meant nothin to you. So please quit talking to me & acting like you like me at all cause we all know you don’t. So shuttttt the fuck up cause no one gives a damn about what you have to say. You’re just as lonely & worthless as me but you won’t admit it. Have fun in hell suckers. Raddd.