Finally when I’m least expecting it, I get a message that makes my day. It made me so happy for the first time in forever. I didn’t realize I needed it in the moment, but once I heard these simple words my thoughts all suddenly changed & I became truly happy since this whole depression thing began.
The words were as simple as this..
“Cameron, it’s just me and you hanging out. I’m there to be with you. I don’t care what you look like or are wearing. I think you are beautiful either way. You shouldn’t care what you look like either because it’s just me, you don’t have to worry about anything.”
I know they aren’t that adorable or poetic but it’s something that made me actually happy & my best friend told me to put it on here so I could remember the time I was actually happy in the purest sense of the word.
We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain. & you were supposed to be different.. But I know I’ll never be good enough, so I don’t know why I keep coming back to you after you’ve hurt me over & over again. I know you’ve replaced me, but I’m addicted to you & I don’t know how to stop.
Then suddenly I was afraid and I don’t know what of. I bet you wish you’d never met me.. I just miss you so much. God. I’m obsessing over you & you wouldn’t care if you never saw me again. I’m over it now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about killing myself today. I’m so sick of waking up every single god damn morning. Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me. No one understands how hard it is for me to not hurt myself. I try to make light of it & joke around but deep down inside I hurt so bad thinking about it but it releases anger & makes me feel a different pain & makes me feel better. The scars remind me of how I have to work twice as hard as everyone else. They sort of help me get along because without then I wouldn’t be able to see how long I’ve come since it started & how I haven’t killed myself yet. I’m sick of pretending to be happy. I’m battling myself & I’m losing. I’m too young to be this sad. There’s no one by my side anymore. But I’m used to it..
I’m literally about to give up on John. The one person who means the most to me. & once I give up on John my life is going to have no meaning. I don’t think that he cares about me at all anymore. He doesn’t care what I decide to do with my life. He doesn’t care about our relationship. Everything we’ve been through & everything he knows. He just doesn’t care anymore. How do you just stop caring about someone who meant so much to you? I don’t understand. I guess he never cared & he never will. I think I’ll be fine without him, but he’s the one who has kept me holding on for so long. But I never should have expected him to stay. He means so much to me. Everything he’s ever said or done or just the way he looks at me keeps me holding on. But someone who means this much to me could never stay because that’s too easy. I’ll never find anyone like him to replace our relationship. I’ll always miss him. I always will till the day I die. I just feel like I never really mattered to him
When I feel your hands around my waist & I can hear the sound of your heart beating I never want to let go. Because for one minute I feel safe in your arms, no matter where we are, or if we’re alone or not. I feel like nothing can touch me & pull my down. When we pull away, I slowly feel the coldness creep back into my skin. I feel pain again & realize how much I need you to not let go. I think you can see the weakness & fear in my eyes when you start to let go, that’s why you hold onto me while we mutter out short words. I need you to not let go of me. Because as soon as you release me the urges come back & so does the terrible aching I feel in my chest. You will never understand. But something about your warmth & touch makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong. It’s not just that I want you to not let go of me because of the consequences I will face, but because I need you to not let go of me. Hold onto me as tight as you can & as long as possible. Because sooner or later I will push you away trying to not hurt you like I do myself & I will slip through your fingers, like I do everyone else..
He learned my secrets, my bruises, my scars, my flaws. And then he left. How do you just walk away? How does someone decide another person just isn’t as important to them anymore? I want to understand. I want to feel closure. Do you know how much it hurts to feel so alone? It hurts to breathe, sleep, eat, walk, think. No one will care until it’s too late to undo the scars I’m leaving on my skin. Maybe I lied when I said I was okay. I’m sorry that I’m damaged and depressed. It just keeps getting worse everyday. I’m not who I want to be. I’m not good enough. Not even close.. When you’ve been sad for so long that when something bad happens you don’t cry, you just sit there & feel numb. Even when I’m happy I know it’s only temporary. Now I’m wearing this smile that I don’t believe in. I’ll walk forever with stories inside me that the people I love the most can never hear. I’m disgusted at the person I’ve become. I’m fucking pathetic. I don’t think anybody understands how alone I feel, or ever will. But there is some part of me that doesn’t want them to. I hurt myself, I can’t hurt them too. No one hates me more than myself. I just want to run away from everything. My “friends”, the crap at school, all of it. Everyone would be happier without me, so don’t try to convince me otherwise. So, maybe that’s why you left..
You can’t seem to understand that your precious, cameron, cries herself to sleep every night, only to wake and with a force smile and the feeling of bile in her throat; terrified of what was going to happen that day. She brings a blade to her skin more than once a day, needing to feeling something other than the numbing pain that it is so, so, so suffocating.
EW. Boys just get on my last nerves sometimes like why can’t you just come out & say exactly what you really feel. I just don’t understand why boys bottle their feelings up inside hiding them from everyone & waiting until it’s too late. They never have the right timing on anything, they screw up your emotions & play with your heart too much. They tug on it in all the wrongs ways, but you still love them no matter what. Now what kind of screwed up situation is that… Girls still try everything in their power to make them loves us, but it’s never enough. I don’t know what to do or say to make you say all the right things that I’ve been waiting to hear. I just give up..