My heart is ripping apart. And it’s killing me. I’m alone and the world is slowly killing me. No one will help me. I try to keep my head high, but I am too shy. What do you call it when all you feel is pain? When your loved ones look at you and all you feel is shame? When your tired of living and playing this game? When you smile and laugh but you know its all a show? When you feel like you’ve hit your all time low? When nothing makes you happy and the darkness around you grows? Oh how i wished i had a gun instead of this little razor ooh how i wish to be dead.
I really just want to leave without looking back or thinking twice. I wish I could start all over again & make different choices. I’d be a whole better without half of you that are in my life. I want to have a good reputation & be that girl everyone wants to be, but lets face it no one will ever want to be like the girl who cried herself to sleep every night because no one is there for her. The girl who just wants to end her life because of the stress she’s going through. The girl that no one believes & doubts she would ever think about harming herself. That girl who is dying inside her flesh but everyone thinks she says it to get attention. Why would anyone ever want to be like me. I don’t even trust anyone anymore because everyone lies to me & thinks it’s okay. This is why I want to start over. Maybe just end it forever & not even try to start over. Because if I tried to start over I would just screw it all up again.
Help. I’ve done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today & the worse part is that there’s no one to help. I want this more than life. I sit here wondering & waiting for my story to begin, but it never does. I’m lost. Yeah, I think I can stop & not lose myself anymore, but I don’t trust myself. I try to tell people what’s wrong with me, but they don’t understand or even care enough to comfort me anymore. I put up a good front. But I just need someone to wrap me up & hold me while there are tears streaming down my face. Without even saying anything, I will know that they will always be there for me no matter what I do or think. There isn’t a moment in the day that I don’t think about killing myself. I’ve told people this plenty of times before. They either don’t believe me or care enough to stop me. But, one day I will without thinking twice about it. & I wonder if they will ever even regret that they didn’t help me when I was practically begging for it & giving them so many opportunities. Will they even feel bad that they didn’t say something encouraging to me. The vibes I’m getting right now, I don’t even think they’d come to my funeral. Would I even have a funeral. No one would care enough to pay for all of that for some girl who killed herself because she was depressed. No one would come. I’d lay there helplessly reaching for my last breath with no one there to even care
Being in love
And not loved back
Is like laying on the grass
And feeling needles.
How am I supposed to save myself when I don’t like myself & feel hated by everyone. When I’m judged on a daily basis. When the girl I call my best friend daily couldn’t give two craps about me, ignores me, & uses me. When the people I’m surrounded by only bring me down. When I have no one to vent to. When I feel lost & alone. When I’ve lost everything that has made me happy in life. When I’m down to the bar minimum of hope & joy in my life. When I’m beginning to be sad at school and not just at night. When I begin to overthink every second of the day. When people make me feel self conscious because they insult me. When someone says kill yourself jokingly & I take it to heart. When I don’t have any friends that I feel like I can pour all my feelings into. How am I supposed to save myself when all I have is myself?
I honestly don’t know what I want out of this life. I know I want to be happy & feel whole again. I want someone to love who is transparent to me & feels like they fill the vague hole in my heart. I want to know someone means it when they call me beautiful, I want to feel beautiful. I want you to be my hero baby. But I’m afraid that I’m going to slip through your fingers and I’ll get my hopes up for nothing. I just need someone to save me.
I’m lost in a place I thought I knew..
You don’t know shit about what happened to me, so don’t try to understand. I can handle it on my own.
I hate myself because I’m sad for no reason, but my pain is real. I’m not who I was before and my parents think they know me, so do my friends. I’m afraid everyone secretly hates me. Don’t be suprised when I disappear. Nothing turns out like I seemed & now I’m scared running from all my dreams. I miss the old, happy me. But how can I miss something I never had. If I was truly happy my life wouldn’t be like this. Everything is falling apart. I overthink so much at night. I feel pathetic. My nightmares don’t end when I open my eyes. I’m wishing one day I just fall fast asleep & don’t wake up. No one is ever going to love me. Someone has to give me a reason to start over again. What the hell is wrong with me. This can’t be my real life. I turned out to be a terrible person.. Would anyone even miss me if I took my own life? I don’t even want to try anymore. Nobody cares that I’m broken. Everyday I realize that no one needs me, again. No one loved me until I began to hate myself, but they still really don’t. I can’t take the anxiety. I’m a mistake. Everyone will care when it’s too late.. I’m sorry.
I’m a little scared to get close to anyone, because everyone who said “I’ll always be here for you” left..