I say all this lightly, like no guy will ever love me & I’m ugly. But I really do mean it & believe that with all my heart. I look in the mirror & see a screwed up girl with a broken heart no one will ever be able to fix, not even myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just really want to end it all… forever. But why would it matter if the world lost me? It was still turn & everyone’s life’s would continue. I don’t know I just want to feel loved & no one gives me the kind of love that fills the huge black hole in my heart.
I want so badly to turn off my feelings & emotions & erase all my memories & begin again, hoping to not screw up my only second chance.
No matter how many times you screw up & break my heart to pieces, I will always completely forget I was mad at you when I hear your deep voice that is so precious to me. It doesn’t matter how mad I was, your voice never fails. It’s my weakness & you know it. But it’s okay because you are the exact same way. It’s one of the many things we have in common that make our relationship what it is & I couldn’t ask for anything better.
I just want to lay in your strong arms & for you to whisper everything’s going to be okay while you quietly kiss my forehead. & I want to hold your soft hand while you stroke my arm to make me calm down & feel safe with you. I want you to look at me & smile while you pull my hair behind my ear while I’m ranting annoyingly. I want your tight, warm hugs to last forever & to never let go. I want you to gently kiss me when I’m mad at you. I want to have stupid fights with you that make me fall in love with you all over again & again. I really just want everything that comes in a relationship with you & I understand that it’s alot to ask for & it’s crazy, but I know deep down you want it all too.
When the person that means the most to me right now doesn’t even care about this whole other side of me with deep & emotional feelings, I know that I have gotten myself into a big mess yet again. Little does he know that it could cost me my life..
It just occurred to me.
You never cared..
You never did.
You only came to me when you were bored.
I guess I was a second option to you..
I changed my mind. Can I just kill myself already. I know I’d make everyone around me upset but everyone always told me to do what makes me happy so you know it would end my pain & lonely life & make me happy, which is what everyone wants for me right?
I used to want to kill myself. I don’t anymore. But I want to be the baddest bitch there is & for everyone to be scared of me. Which is terrifying because I think that’s worse then self harming.
In one minute, or sixty seconds, or sixty thousand milliseconds, today will be gone and today will be yesterday and tomorrow will be today.
It’s kind of terrifying when you think about it..
Terrifying in the way that everything you did today -all the lists you made, places you’ve been, things you’ve touched, songs you’ve heard, conversations you’ve had- Will soon become a memory, or worse, it would be forgotten. Lost amidst all of your yesterdays.
I often think about where I went wrong. My everything is down to nothing. I’m tired of waiting & getting my hopes up for me to just be crushed at the end of it all. Everyone has tried to help me, listened, & given advice. But the thing is that I don’t even know why I’m depressed anymore. I act happy & put on a real good fake smile for the company, but when I’m alone in my room is when I lose it because I think about all the madness in my head. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess or how to clean it up. I’m lost at sea. I can still smile at the rainbows in my life every once in a while. I get so happy though when something goes the way I want & I get my hopes up for nothing. I just want the happiness to last. My hearts such a mess. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel anymore because it’s being pulled in so many directions.