This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go.. Somewhere between all of our laughs, deep talks, and little fights, I fell in love with you. Maybe somewhere deep in my soul i know that love never lasts and we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone. I just still don’t understand how you can stand next to someone you have so much history with and not say a thing. But when I said forever, I meant forever.
Yeah. Sometimes I can be weird as anything, annoying, not looking my best, jealous because someone else has your attention, or am just being a bitch, but baby I promise I will always love you like there’s no tomorrow.
I’m afraid that one day you’re going to see me how I see myself. When that day comes, run as far as you can from me. I will break your heart into a million pieces & I don’t want to do that to the most precious & adorable guy I have ever met. Don’t stick around & try to help me, I will only hurt you worse. So when you eventually see through my fake smile, keep going & don’t look back. You’ll be happier that way, I promise.
I’m sorry I let everyone down. Everyone is fine & I’m here crumbling inside, but no one knows. I don’t know what I would do without the people who support me. All I wanted to do was fall to my knees & let everything go. I didn’t want to be picked up to my feet, I wanted to lay there helplessly suffering through everything I got myself into. I didn’t trust the people closest to me. I was a stupid & stubborn teenage girl. Everything I had I invisioned for my life was picture perfect, but it turned into the opposite. I don’t know where, but I went wrong somewhere. People warned me constantly & told me what would happen if I went down the road I did. Their prophecies were fulfilled & I couldn’t be more regretful for not listening to them. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say because I knew it was the truth & I didn’t want to believe it. I’m so thankful that they stuck around all this time. Without them, I would not be in the mindset I am right now. I’m moving along & letting go, which is important to me. I could never thank them enough for what they did. They saved my life & I cannot repay them for that.
Maybe the poets were right. All I need is love..
Now that I think about it, I pushed everyone good to me out of my life, so don’t take it personally babe. Its really not your fault, it’s me.
As I think about leaving this life, I start to get upset because I know how much I’d hurt everyone & I don’t want them hurt. I have such a big heart & I’ve done nothing but try to help everyone & I’m so sweet to anyone I come in contact with…well sometimes haha but..this is how I get repaid. It’s not fair. No one could have done anything differently or said anything to me to not make me feel like this. I’m barely hanging on. I’ve been hanging on for about a year now but I’m ready to let go. My arm is getting tired & so sore, like my head & heart from gripping on so tight & holding on to every last word of someone. I’m done hiding everything in my mind from everyone. Sooner or later I’m gonna let go & there’s not going to be a thing you can do to stop me. I love every single one of my friends, my family to pieces even though it doesn’t seem like it & people who’ve given me advice but I just feel like I’d be doing everyone a favor if I did finally let go. If I let go though you have to know that it’s not your fault & no one should blame themselves. It’s me all me. It’s my decision no one persuaded me to think these kind of things. I just want to end my pain. There’s nothin I can think of that can make me happy. I’ve tried everything there is & nothing helps. I just want it to be over already. It sounds so bad to be suicidal as a teenager, but it’d make it much easier on everyone. I appreciate everything everyone has ever done for me, but I just think I’m holding everyone back from their potential so I’m doing yall a favor. I love you all to pieces. Xoxo cami
One day I’m going to leave… & never come back. That’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Just wait. You’ll miss me when I’m gone..but probably not. Who’d ever miss someone as worthless, helpless, pitiful, & sorrowful as me? No one. I need to leave as soon as possible. It will ease the pain & make it all go away. If I leave, I’ll hurt a handful of people. But that’s nothing compared to everyone that’s hurt me.
I’m stubborn. I over think everything. I’m always sorry, even if I didn’t do anything. I’m clingy. I don’t have a good body. I gossip too much. I think terrible thoughts. I care too much. I judge people too fast. I block people out of my life who are trying to help me. I say things I shouldn’t. I’m cocky. I have really bad anxiety, but no one knows. I lie every time someone asks me if I’m okay. I only have a few friends because I was mean & pushed all the others away. I get mad really easily. I wake up on the wrong side of the bed every morning. I lie a lot. I get jealous easily. I look like a completely different person with makeup. I suck at most things I do. I’m very overprotective. I miss people that I shouldn’t. I try too hard. I fall for people too fast & too hard. I’m not friends with the right group at school. My relationship with God is down to nothing. I look towards the wrong solutions. I hate when people hate me. I don’t like it when people judge me. I’m very self conscious. There’s so many other things…
I’ve always put my happiness on something that I could potentially lose. I usually put it in people. People have always told me to never do this. I think that I put my happiness in people I could lose because in my messed up head, I believe that I could be that one person to change their whole life around & that I would never lose them. I think that I can change someone, but they always end up changing me. I want to blame me being so insane & screwed up in my head on people who have done this to me, but I’ve realized that it’s all my fault. I’ve been told over & over to never put my happiness in people or try to change someone, but I’m too stubborn to listen. Something in my head whispers to me softly that I’m that one person who has an exception or something, but I never am. I can never change anyone. & I always lose people that make me happy. It’s always been my fault, but I won’t admit it to myself. Sadly enough, it’s the truth whether I like it or not. I think the only thing that I have left that I can be happy about & I know I will never ever lose is Christ..