the boy at the gym

i have been going to the gym pretty much everyday now except for Friday’s & sometimes Saturday’s. about 3ish weeks ago I saw the cutest boy there that I had seen before but never really payed him much attention. I was on the stair master literally dripping sweat & he just kept staring at me & kinda smiling but it was like I’d look up from my phone or from whatever I was doing to catch him looking at me over & over. it wasn’t a creepy stare, it was just him looking at me & when I’d catch him he would subtlety turn away & sorta grin to himself. the next day I told Nicole about him & how I thought that he was starin at me because a) I looked a mess & I was dripping sweat b) my boobs were probably hitting me in the chin or c) I had some sick nikes on. a few days went by & I would see him at the gym & not say anything to him just kinda smile & watch what he was doing when I was resting & he did the same thing to me. then I told Andrew that this boy was there one night & he had on a Harrison baseball shirt, so I had a feeling Andrew probably knew him. after I grew annoyed of Andrew asking repeatedly to send him a creeper picture of the guy I finally did. I then come to find out that it’s actually one of Andrews best friends. His name is Jacob Jones, a senior at Harrison Highschool. of course i begin to go look at Instagram & Twitter to see what kind of guy he is. he seemed nice & cute. a few more days went by & I didn’t talk to him even though I would see him there, I was too shy & I didn’t know how to begin a conversation with him. but one night while I’m doing squats on the smith machine ben Brock walks in with jacob. ben was Andrews friend that also goes to Harrison that Andrew took on spring break. I had snap chatted back & forth with ben on Andrews phone before but never had seen him in person. I didn’t say a word but I’m 99 percent sure that he recognized me. that night 4 guys followed me on Instagram. 2 of them being ben & Jacob. I of course began I freak out & yell at Andrew because I thought that he had told them to, which he denies but I’m almost positive he did. I followed all of them back & 2 hit me with that unfollow as soon as I followed back, which is so childish but anyways.. jacob didn’t. he still to this day hasn’t accepted my request to follow him. more days go by & I see him in the gym but don’t say anything to him because I don’t know what to say that wouldn’t be creepy or awkward. but finally, tonight, September 1st, I talked to him. tommy, another one of Andrews friends that I had met weeks prior, yelled across the gym “hey cameron” as I was walking out of the locker room to go warm up on the bike. I look up from my phone to see that tommy is with jacob spotting him. I walk over & said hey to tommy & then looked at jacob & said “what’s your name? I always see you in here haha” he said “jacob” & kinda smirked after it, kinda like we both know of each other & I know you think I’m fine. I then said “ohhhhh” like I had finally put the last puzzle piece in, even though I did that weeks ago. I then continued & said “you go to Harrison right?” he said “yes, I’m a senior” & I said “oh ok so do you know Andrew mezie” & he said “yeah we’re pretty good friends” & I made some dumb joke like do you hate him as much as tommy or something stupid like that because I had no idea what to say & wanted to keep talking to him. he said something along the lines of “love him some days & hate him others he’s just that type of person ya know?” & I said yeahhh & then tommy asked where Nicole was & I told him that she didn’t wanna come because she had physical therapy the next day & he was like for what & I told him her shoulder & he was like but she can’t come to the gym & I said I know I know I mean I’ve had 2 knee surgeries & during pt id still come to the gym. even though that wasnt completely true lol I remember seeing jacob out of the corner of my eye look down at my knees haha which I thought was funny & I laughed in my head then tommy asked about ethan & Nicole dating & jacob said that he used to play football with him or something then the conversation began to slow down so I said well it was really nice to meet you jacob & he said you too & smiled at me. I then got on the bike & began to think did I even say what my name was, like I know that he knows it’s cameron but did I even say my name was cameron so that he could call me that & not feel creepy & I couldn’t remember because I got so lost in his eyes, as gay as that sounds. the rest of the time I was in the gym he watched me as I did my thing & I watched him when he did his. I think it’s so stinkin cute when I look up & he’s looking in the mirror & we make eye contact through the mirror & he grins & I always just chuckle. I know that it wasn’t anything special like him telling me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen or anything like that but it was something & it was better then the day before & that’s all that mattered to me.

now that I’m writing this & reminiscing back on what happened, I remember sitting in my car with Nicole at a red light headed to panera earlier in the day. I looked down & my phone said 4:20 & I giggled & said “make a wish it’s 4:20” Nicole said “man when I was younger I always had something to wish for, but now I can’t really think of anything” I thought to myself & agreed with her. I said “I know, me too.” I paused for a second then said “actually I wish jacob will be at the gym tonight & I actually have the balls to talk to him.”

fate man. fate is a crazy thing. so is the gym & all the cute sweaty boys that are there.

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Ohhhh Luke

I have honestly never felt this way about a boy before. I guess it’s cause all the guys I’ve ever talked to don’t live 2 minutes away from me and I don’t usually get to see them everyday. Or maybe because I know that this is real between us. Things are moving really slowly, but I’m actually fine with it cause I wan things to work out between us that badly. I don’t just like you for your money, or your looks, or your goofy sense of humor. I like you for you and your personality. You are so precious and adorable to me. I’m upset that you won’t be here next year and that I could’ve known you for about 5 years or more. But that also tells me that what we have is real and true. You obviously care about me since you’ll be going off to college next year and will have so many opportunities. So knowing that makes me feel better. But I really don’t know cause this just makes me so damn happy. Every time I see you my stomach drops and I get the sudden feeling of butterflies like a little girl does. Any guy I have ever talked to don’t even compare to you. This is honestly the most I have ever liked anyone. We met on Wednesday May 7 then cause of Caitlin we started to talk the next day and have been talking since then. I always tell my friends don’t date a guy you wouldn’t see yourself marrying and having kids with. And oh baby I could see myself signing papers Cameron Hughes, I could see us going to our sons baseball games and our daughters volleyballs games. We would be the best parents, funny and laid back. I cannot wait to see where all of this goes. You make me so happy and like I can be myself around you. xoxo babes.

forever, drew.

ugh I wish I could talk to you allll night long & make countless memories with you, but we both know we have to get up in the morning for school tomorrow baby. soon enough it’ll be summer & we can be snuggled up in each other’s arms feeling our warmth & fall asleep at 4 in the morning after making love to each other & not have a damn care in the whole entire world. we can lay outside at night & count stars together with nothing but a blanket & the moon & stars light that they give off. we’ll be able to do whatever we want & doze off into slumber as we lay side by side in the middle of the day. I cannot wait to feel your touch again, but until then I’m going to sleep. sweet dreams baby, goodnight. I always have & always will love you my sweet sweet baby boy.

Drew..

3/15/14
Oh baby oh baby. It really did hurt when you broke my heart but thanks for all the inspiration you gave to me when you left. This ink is my blood and I’m hurting oh so slowly from the small piece of you that you ripped from inside my heart. I want it back & I want all of you back. This world is so damn cruel, but you were so beautiful to me. I doubt I’ll ever come across someone like you ever again. I’ll always love you drew. xx

My wreckđź‘Ť

Yesterday was sooo stressful. March 17, 2014 at 7:42 am. I got in a terrible car wreck, but I’m fine & the other chick is good. okay okay so I was turning left & it was yellow & the car was super super far back. & the light had been yellow for a good 4 seconds & I’m like out in the middle of the intersection & I’m like crapp I have to go, so I go & the white car speeds up & slams into the front passenger side of my car. She told the police officer she never ever saw me & so she never even hit her brakes & there’s no way she could miss my big ass car, so she obviously was texting or something. But the ass of a police officer said it’s my fault because I didn’t yield to her, even though she sped up to make it through basically an orange light hahaha & I told the cop that in driving school I learned that you have to be over the white line to be able to go on a yellow light & he said well that’s the law, but common sense is to just slow down. & I’m like bruhhhh aren’t we supposed to go by ya know the law hahaha & he’s like yeah but common sense & I’m like okay well she didn’t slow down at all, she sped up to make it through. & he says there is no way to tell if she was speeding. & I go look at my car. Her 3,000 lb Nissan piece of shit moved my 10,000 lb H1 tank across 4 lanes & made my car go up in the air. Like yeah she was definitely going 45. Whatever dick. Hahaha so I have to go to juvenile court & try to get the 3 points off of my license. Yay. Here’s the cars

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Telling you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do

Alright well. I don’t want you to freak out on me which I know you won’t because you’re not really like that haha but I don’t want you to be all paranoid & worried about me. & I don’t want you to look at me differently or change how you treat me or whatever haha. Just know that I’m fineee. Alrighty so. & just please don’t repeat any of this cause not many people know & it’s personal hahah otayyy. I’m literally shaking right now typing this. Ugh okay. It all kinda started around spring break last year.. I didn’t really know what road I was going down until it was too late. But I got super depressed like to the point where I wouldn’t talk to anyone or get up. It was really bad. I self harmed & ..I’ve tried to kill myself 2 different times. The only reason i didn’t was bc the first time i was sitting in my car with the garage door shut & i was on tumblr & saw a thing that was like if you’re looking for a reason to not kill yourself tonight this is it & i was like okay fine haha. The second time I was sitting in my car again waiting & one of my friends called me & stopped me. Hahaha yeah. Okay I know I shouldn’t be laughing cause it’s serious but it’s the only way to not think about it & to numb all the pain. But anyways we were really close & I told you pretty much everything. I don’t know why..we’ve only met in person like 4 times but I just feel close to you & that I can trust you with all my sheeeet. Sooo you were like my best guy friend & this kid named John who I’ve known forever. Hahaha okay so. I started getting happy again towards the end of the summer but it wasn’t because of me doing things that make me happy it was people that made my happy. Like talking to you made me happy. So I thought I want to be happy on my own & if I’m happy because of something besides myself, like a person, it can be taken away from me & I’ll be screwed. Sooo I quit talking to you for awhile even though you probably didn’t notice haha. Then I got into drugs & a ton of other shit & it was bad. But once I started getting happy I guess again I started talking to you & John & everyone again. But this past month was hell. & I just remember texting you & you wouldn’t reply or I don’t really remember & id be like sad or something it’s stupid I know but yeahh. Sooo I was pissed at you cause for like a day I blamed it on you bc you didn’t reply to me or something & then I realized I was being stupid & it was my fault like it always has been & I was trying to find something to make me feel better. & yeah. Sooooo. That’s probably the only thing I’ve never told you & have debated on telling you countless times but could never bring myself to do it bc only 4 other people know & they are always checking on me & I feel terrible that I put them in that position so I didn’t want to do the same thing to you.. Like the second time I tried to kill myself I had several letters written & ishh. One of them was to youuu.. Haha yeah. Right now I’m good, but who the hell knows what could happen. & I’m not trying to be dramatic & like over exaggerate anything. I really did all of that & I’m just embarrassed kinda I don’t know really. It’s really hard to explain. I never told you I guess bc I didn’t know how you’d react or I didn’t want you to feel bad for me or I just felt ashamed of it all. It’s just so hard to keep pretending like everything is okay when it’s really not & not be able to say anything about it to you when I used to tell you everything, even if you didn’t realize I did bc I needed someone to vent & you’re just easy to talk to & you listen so well. We never ever have to talk about this again if you don’t want to, it’s just I felt that I’d regret not telling you later on & if something ever did happen I wouldn’t want you to be mad at me for not telling you. Yeah. So I’m sorry that it took me this long. But thanks for always being there for me & making me happy even though you probably never knew you were. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, even though we aren’t that close anymore. But you really are even though I know I’m not to you haha you are to me. You’re just I don’t know. I wish I could have told you all of this in person.. I’m sorry. Yeahh that’s it. I love you.

I’m saying goodbye

The song say something by a great big world is my suicide song. I hadn’t really thought much of the song until I listened to the words closely & it made me think of you. This is literally everything that will be going through my mind the day I decide to kill myself, if I don’t get better. Especially the part that says “& I will swallow my pride, you’re the one that I love & I’m saying goodbye.” That’s all i want you to know. This song is like my song to you? I don’t know. It just makes me think of you & all the shit we’ve both been through. I love you so so much. More than you will ever know or be able to fathom & comprehend. I know that we are in a weird stage of our relationship right now, but just remember that I love you no matter what & always will till the end of time & love ceases. I want the man I marry to be like you & be my best friend & there for me like you. But the song, it’s like I wrote it to you it’s so strange. Anyways, before I die I promise you’ll be the last person I talk to & I will make sure you know it’s not your fault & you did everything you could. But you will hang up knowing how much I’ve loved you all along.

Free falling

I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed away everyone in my life that tried to help me. Some people let me fall without even giving any effort. Some are fighting as hard as they can. Just please please never let me push you away bc if I do, I won’t have anyone.

Oh.

It’s one of those nights again. I know we had a really long talk about how you wanted me to call you the next time I was in this place but I can’t bring myself to it. We talked about it on Friday & now it’s Tuesday. I can’t even go a week without wanting to kill myself. You told me all of the sweetest things that made me feel so much better & happier. But tonight none of those things are helping. I’m worthless & a screw up. I don’t even deserve to live & no body will ever love me. So then why should I stay alive & not go sit in my car & pass without pain or just go get a gun & shove it in my mouth. I don’t even know what’s stopping me anymore bc it’s not my family or friends bc I’m alone & no one gives a fuck about me. No one cares about me the slightest bit when if all comes down to it. I mean I’ve told you everything. You know more than any of my girl friends. I honestly think that you’re the only reason I’m not killing myself. You’re the only person who encourages me to keep going & fighting & are always there for me no matter what. I know you said to call you next time & of you don’t answer you’re asleep but I can’t. I don’t want you to see me this weak & I don’t want you to have to listen to me sob on the other end of the phone. I don’t want to put you on the spot & make you feel obligated to say or do something. I love you far too much to do that to you. & I know I can trust you & that I can call you but I really can’t do it. What if you don’t answer then you’ll feel like a piece of shit if I do something & you’ll blame yourself. I really don’t want to be here anymore. I want to start over but I can’t. Damn it. All I want right now is to be in arms making me feel like it really is going to be okay. Just know that if I ever decide to really put my thoughts into action, you’ll be the last person I’ll talk to. I love you so much.

B&W

The best nights are when you’re with the one you love, doing nothing, just trying to fight sleep and enjoying the feeling of being in each other’s arms and forgetting the stress brought about by your studies, families and friends. You’re not doing anything sexual and dirty, you’re just making up on all those times that you didn’t have the chance to feel each other. At the first hour, you’re just talking about those things and stories that happened to you this last few days, even your most embarrassing moments.You laugh together, and when the laughter subsides, you’ll talk about serious matter, especially things between you two. Like how you miss each other, how you’ll celebrate your anniversary, and a lot of plans for your future together.
And the next hour is quite different. There are no talking involved. You’re just staring at each other, eye to eye. No one wants to break the silence. And it’s beautiful. It seems like you’re memorizing each other and you’re sinking on the depth of each other’s gazes. It’s a different kind of eye contact because it involves a very powerful feeling, love. You’re reading each other’s thoughts and looking at each other’s souls. Your inside thoughts are communicating and only you two can explain what are they talking about.
And it’s not just your eyes that are doing the job. Because your fingers interlocked with each other are also having a connection of its own. Like no one wants to let go. Like it’s glued together and separating them will not be that easy. Your chest is getting heavy. And thousands of realizations will hit you at the moment. You love each other for real. Sparks are everywhere. What a wonderful night. For a moment, you feel like you own the whole world. Because you’re with that someone you love.